Why to Avoid “Always” and “Never” Arguments
All couples will have arguments. Any time two people have to share a space for any extended period of time, there are going to be disagreements, misunderstandings, needs not being met, and more. The goal, however, is to make sure that these arguments are productive.
When we talk about communication in couples counseling, one of the things we’re talking about is the language we use when we communicate. There is nothing inherently wrong with having a discussion, or even an argument, if it helps you address a conflict and move forward together. But the language we use can have an impact on the success of that conversation. An example is the use of these two words:
Always
Never
Frequently, in the context of arguments with our partners, we find ourselves using the terms “always” or “never.”
“You NEVER take out the trash unless I ask you.”
“You ALWAYS disrespect me in front of my friends.”
“You NEVER plan any fun dates with me.”
“You ALWAYS expect me to drop everything and help you.”
Typically, we’re using these words because we’re experiencing a recurring theme or stressor. We feel hurt because of something our partner is doing, and we’re using these words to describe a situation that is happening, in our eyes, too often.
But, in an argument or discussion, we also have to be accurate. Once we’ve gone too far in the direction of hyperbole, people tend to defend themselves – and rightfully so. When you tell someone “you always do this” or “you never do that,” but there’s even one example that they have of doing/not doing this thing that you’re talking about, then they’re going to begin shutting down from the discussion. They’re going to start to feel like you’re attacking them unfairly.
You’re expressing a need. Our desire is, typically, to feel like the other person needs to read between the lines and understand what we’re trying to say. We may even find themselves upset that they’re defending themselves, especially for recurring problems. Even if “always” or “never” is not 100% true, we run into situations where we expect our partner to still recognize that just because it’s not true all the time doesn’t mean it’s not true in essence.
Yet, despite this, we also have to look at our own language to see if it’s going to help us get the response we want. Here’s an example.
You tell your partner you want them to help more around the house, using the phrase “you never help around the house.”
Your partner responds by helping around the house a little bit more. Not as often as you’d like, but a little bit more. They’re at least trying to do something.
You get into an argument because they’re not helping you enough. You say, again, “you never help around the house.”
What this scenario does is it causes them to feel both defensive and angry in a way that is counterproductive to the conversation. They did try to help, even if they struggled with it or didn’t do enough. You do not have to give them any credit for their minimal support, but by using “never” again, right after they’ve tried to do more, they’re going to feel attacked, feel like their contributions are not appreciated, and feel like there is less point in trying any harder. “Never” in this example, ended up having the opposite effect.
What Can You Do Instead?
One great reason to go through couples counseling no matter where you are in your relationship is that we can help be a mediator to “translate” what you’re saying and what you mean in a safe environment, free of judgment, where you can share what you really need and we can also look to help your partner understand you better.
But above all else, remember that very rarely is anything “always” or “never.” Communicating means being as clear with your feelings as possible, and not trying to attack a partner but to help them understand and respond to your needs. Look at your language, and you may find that there are opportunities to better share and relate in a way that is productive for your relationship. Reach out today to learn more.