Me Talk vs. We Talk – A Lesson in Relationship Communication
The One Word Change That Can Transform Your Relationship
It’s not necessarily conflict that ends a relationship. It’s the little things that build either the positive (trust, attachment, support) or the negative (resentment, frustration, fear). Sometimes, by addressing these little things, we can make a big difference in the long term health of your marriage or partnership.
For example, research shows that couples that use partnership language that represents a partnership are more satisfied and healthier than those that do not. By making a small change in how you talk to and about each other, you can have a lasting impact on your relationship satisfaction and connection.
About Me
Before we expand, a little about myself. My name is Jon Abelack. I am a couples counselor in New Canaan, CT that is licensed to provide therapy in both Connecticut and New York. I see patients both in person and remotely and am currently accepting new clients. I have been working with couples for many years, and provide a safe space for you both to share your thoughts and needs. Please reach out today to connect.
Using the Language of We vs Me
Couples that see and talk about themselves as a single entity tends to be much happier and more satisfied than those that do not. Specifically, it’s couples that using language like:
“We”
“Us”
“Our”
Within relationships, those that use this inclusive language feel like they’re experiencing a shared identity. They’re seeing themselves as one, rather than as two separate and distinct entities. On the other hand, those that use “You” and “I,” especially in conflict but also when talking about their relationship to others tend to experience less commitment and see themselves as separate from the relationship as a whole.
Studies into “We Talk” have found that it provides:
Cognitive Interdependence – When we talk in terms “of “we,” we begin to view the relationship and its connections as a single unit, which is an important factor in developing and maintaining a sense of commitment.
Better Conflict Resolution – When you’re in a conflict and working together using “We” language, it’s easier for both partners to envision how changes can help lead to success. It’s not one person doing what the other says, but rather a collaborative process that is also beneficial for both partners.
Lower Stress Reactivity – From a strictly conflict resolution standpoint, during arguments, when we use “I” and “You” terms we invite further conflict and trigger significant emotional responses. But when we use “We” terms, the natural reaction to those terms is less significant and severe, because it’s meant to benefit and address both needs.
Perhaps the best part about this is that it’s a fairly simple change. Couples counseling can require a lot of reflection and adjustments to reduce resentment and other emotions, but using this small language change, we can already have a fairly sizeable effect on the stress of a conflict and feel more connected to each other as a result.
If you’re looking for additional help with your relationship, and would like to inquire about couples counseling or related services, please reach out to me today.