“She Only Dates Guys That Are Mean to Her” - Why “She Dates Jerks” is Saying Something About You
Part of finding and developing a healthy relationship involves gaining a better understanding of ourselves and our thought processes around potential mates. For us to find someone that we can have a great relationship with, we have to also make sure that we’re recognizing what that means, who we are attracted to, and more.
One of the most common tropes in dating, especially for single men, is claiming that someone we’re attracted to “only dates bad boys,” and feeling helpless and upset that she doesn’t like you when you’re a “nice guy.”
This trope is a sign of an unhealthy view of dating for multiple reasons, which we’ll describe below, and those that are truly seeking a mutually loving relationship may need to take some time to rethink how they view the relationship choices of themselves and others so that they can better understand what it takes to find someone that you truly connect with.
*Anyone* Can Be Nice
The first assumption – that you’re a nice guy, so she should like you – is a flawed one for several reasons:
First, anyone can be nice. Being nice is not unique or a skill/talent. It is the natural response to wanting someone to like you. Being nice does not, by itself, make you different from other people that are out there for this person.
Second, no one is nice all the time. Relationships can be a challenge. There are times when you’re feeling lots of love and kind to each other, and times when you’ll be frustrated or upset and may not be as nice as normal. That’s true for everyone.
Everyone’s version of “nice” is different. For some it may be ongoing respect. For others it may be kind words. For some it is gifts. In any situation, “nice” can be different for different people, and in some cases a person that is “too” nice (for example, constantly showering the person with praise) can actually be seen as a negative, as it makes their niceness seem less genuine.
Of course you should be nice to your partner, and of course anyone you’re interested in should hopefully have someone be nice to them. But “nice” is not necessarily the asset that many people think it is within a relationship.
You also have to be interesting. You have to be able to make her laugh or impress her or show her that you’ve got qualities not found in others. Nice, as a concept, is too easy and too broad – it does not necessarily make you a better catch, nor is it something that proves someone would be a good partner.
What Makes You Interested in Her?
Another problem is that the people that we are upset with – the people we desire – we are typically desiring for their looks and attractiveness, not the qualities that make them a good match.
Most of the time, when someone says “why does she always go for ‘bad boys’” they’re talking about a physically attractive woman in a relationship with a physically attractive man, and they’re upset that this attractive woman is not interested in them.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone because of what they look like physically. But we also have to remember:
They’re also allowed to be attracted to someone for their looks.
A person’s appearance is only a part of the relationship puzzle.
We are more likely to find a healthy relationship when we find someone we truly connect with on multiple levels.
Many times, the object of our desire when we say “why does she only date guys that are mean to her” is someone that we’re physically attracted to that we’re hoping to “win over” by being nice, without determining if we’re really a long term good fit, and if you both will be able to truly see each other as viable long term partners.
Victim Blaming and Pedestals
Maybe she is dating someone that is not particularly nice to her. Even in that situation, directing frustration towards her (which, again, is not particularly nice) ignores the reality of mental health, relationships, agency, and even what goes on behind the scenes:
Maybe she has had traumas that have made it hard for her to leave a partner or connect with other people.
Maybe she doesn’t feel emotionally or physically safe to leave.
Maybe the reason he is “mean” is because of his own trauma, and they have bonded over that trauma to accept each other’s “meanness” and other flaws.
Maybe she has not been a perfect partner herself, and their relationship as grown toxic for mutual reasons that they’re working to address.
Maybe she is attracted to him for other reasons and does not find his lack of kindness to be particularly upsetting.
Many people put the women they’re attracted to on a pedestal, acting as though they are perfect *except for this one issue* while also blaming them for the decision to be with someone we, personally, do not approve of - all while we are desiring them from afar and wondering “Why Not Me” despite knowing so little about whether or no they are truly a good match.
Meeting (and Attracting) Someone that is Right For Us
People are complex, and relationships even more so. Finding and attracting the right partner typically involves working on yourself, deciding who is really a good match, figuring out how to work on your own confidence, learning to grow a connection, and more.
Tropes like “she always dates guys that don’t treat her well” ignore these complexities. They simplify everything down to “he’s mean, I’m nice, she should like me instead” and that’s not how relationships work.
If you’re struggling in the dating world, reach out to me today. I’m a couples counselor, dating coach, and individual relationship therapist, and I can talk to you about what it means to build a really healthy relationship and how to work on yourself to make sure you’re ready for what’s ahead.